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When control-seeking behaviors become the automatic coping response to anxiety, it is possible to change before it is too late.

Many of us grew up with loads of family tension, perhaps even our experience was that tension was the norm. A natural response to tension is anxiety. Our brains go into future mode, “What can I do to make things better? How can I exert some influence here to resolve this tension? What did I do to contribute to this and how can I not ever do that again?” It is a very natural tendency/need to seek reason and a source of power in untenable situations. This tendency is protective and normal.

However, over time, our exposure and response become wired and automatic. And this is where anxiety and it’s close cousin, control become compulsive. To say it differently, as the number of associations which trigger anxious responses proliferate, inundating our day-to-day, efforts to seek control become habituated, unconscious, and maladaptive. Unconscious triggers are everywhere and one finds oneself acting out anxiety (i.e., seeking control) across many if not most situations.

Partners and children of the anxiety-prone often lament about unnecessarily restrictive or rigid demands, requests, or requirements imposed on them. If we seek not to recreate the tense environments of our past, if we wish to end this wicked inheritance, it is imperative that we pull the weeds of over-controlling behaviors up from their roots, our wired and automatic maladaptive responses to Anxiety.

Now we can no more prevent our bodies from experiencing anxiety than we are able to hold back the tide, or control the shape of a wave. However, we can improve our reactions to anxiety and reduce the number, intensity and duration of its effects in our bodies and in our lived experience. Leaning in with mindfulness can be the key to unlocking anxiety and its downstream control-seeking behaviors within our relationships. Here is how.

First, identify and track anxiety by noticing either the somatic sensations of it in your body (mine are chest tightness, buzzing thoughts, peeling at my fingernails). What are yours? Track your own signals that you may be in an anxious state, and track triggers for anxiety (mine are social gatherings of acquaintances, transitions out of the home, having company over, and when I feel I might be disappointing my partner or children).

Second, greet anxiety. Get to know it. Seriously. But with kindness, say slowly, “Hello anxiety, thank you for being here to share your ideas with me. What are you worried about?” I try to listen for a bit and then thank it for voicing it’s concerns. Then keeping track of what might have been raised, I organize the list, do a reality check (sometimes it helps to check in with a trusted friend), and if there are any items that actually might help the situation, I decide if doing those things may be helpful or are worth the investment of my energy. The point is, be intentional about any action steps, and do not just automatically follow any and all paths to avoid experiencing upset. Psychologists call this creating space or mindful exploration; it helps to ameliorate a felt sense of immediacy. The point is that you begin to slow down and hear and weigh ideas before seizing upon them with frantic frenetic energy.

**Please seek professional treatment for clinical level anxiety: it’s actually one of the most treatable conditions.

Avoidance of fears, on the other hand is what alienates us, alienates others, and prevents us from accessing our authentic life. Versus opening to the pain, to the fear, or to the unknown, we become smaller, and unfortunately in our relationships we exact this same influence on those around us. Paralysis or transfer of our anxiety onto other people or situations is usually the outcome of perpetual fighting against fears and anxiety. So even when you don’t have time to fully explore an anxious state, plan to revisit it later, don’t skip the exploratory step, as the distilled fears help to better understand ourselves, our darkest, oldest pain. Older, more primeval pain, when enveloped with love, understanding, compassion and acceptance begins to be reorganized into a more mature consciousness. Loving kindness meditations may assist this process greatly.

Third, Acceptance. Yep, say, “Yes, I accept that I may/he may/she may ____ (e.g., lose a promotion; not get the house of my dreams; disappoint someone dear to me; become destitute). There are not actually many situations in life (other than terminal health-related scenarios) whereby there is not a pathway to recovery or rebound. Accepting our fears is a process step toward identifying a more realistic and acceptable probability.

In fact, many of the fears we are desperate to avoid do in fact come about all the time around us; (as suffering is an inseparable part of life) if we do not see that, we are not truly seeing. It frequently helps greatly to remind oneself of one’s own (or others) triumphant recoveries in life’s dark hours. If not quite so “triumphant,” a recovery none-the-less.

Take time to accept possible crazy outcomes if catastrophizing is your habit. As a therapist, I recommend saying, “okay, and then what?” Repeating this over and over again often boils down our fears to a moment of utter rejection, abandonment, humiliation, or censure–but…not likely, and in the worst case scenario, livable. Meaning you will be alright. As an example of transferring our anxiety onto others, we fret about the consequences to our loved ones if they do not do, have not done, etc. We pass on tension to them, tension that was developed often long ago in our own early beginnings. We nag, harass, or bully them with our waving the consequences out in front of them to motivate the behavior we feel would be most protective (of whatever fear underwrites our sense of desperation).

Fourth Step: Communicate your concerns and with an open heart share the outcome you desire. We are staying away from blame, shame, coercion, and scaring. We can share our roots to our suffering (because we explored it in step 2) and we can share our hopes and desires for others–the outcome we seek. In the Gottman language, we state a positive need and the recipe (as we see it) to achieving that end. If we are sharing a limit, for instance with children, this is a time for that as well. Then we can ask others to share what they hear and give them time to respond, clarify, question, etc. If we feel the other understands our perspective, we can then move-on to Step 5 or add the additional step of taking time to understand differences of opinion and accept the realities of others.

You can now link how habits of seeking control as a response to our anxiety becomes such a big problem in relationships. Positive relating is a benevolent mix of warmth and freedom-promoting gestures (i.e., it is the opposite of anxious controlling behaviors). When controlling becomes the automatic coping response to anxiety, it is possible to change before it is too late. Repeat your new mantra: “The only thing I seek to control is myself.”

Finally, the last step, Step 5: Now Let Go. What I mean is, reorient to you. In doing so, we often find we no longer require this of that person and that of the other person. We can let go of the strings we are compulsively tying on to our loved ones. We release them because we have identified our own trails to past suffering and differentiate our journey from theirs. We have communicated our longing for a desired outcome. And we release a need to exert control (through nagging, coercion, shaming, or scaring). With a true sense of being grounded and present, we repeat, ” The only thing I want to control here is myself.” Because truly, true love wants others to fly. And when they feel free to fly, they return to the warmth that we offer.

So, this is how you become a wise leader to yourself and a mentor to others in relating to fears/anxiety. You’ve stopped fighting against, and readily invite an intentional listening session. You reality-check and take any actionable steps including talking things over with a trusted friend (perhaps not your ‘yes-friend’ or your ‘brings-the-drama’ friend–even while those friends are wonderful at times). Communicate your concerns and hopes to those whose behavior you seek to control. And then let go, accepting the realistic probability that no matter whatever dastardly thing may result, you will never abandon you, and we all seemingly recover, no matter what.

In summary: to find your way out of anxiety-driven controlling behaviors, try taking the wheel and reorienting home (to yourself). Uncovering fears by befriending them invites an opportunity for self-love, care, understanding. Exploring fears is a lifelong process; your loved ones benefit by your taking responsibility in differentiating (your life from theirs). You’ve learned to tolerate, and lovingly guide yourself through to a more consciously considered middle ground. You’ve taken the moment to consider where you end and another begins (differentiate your journey from theirs). And hopefully throughout your response to the anxiety (felt for yourself or masked in feeling scared/worried for our loved-ones) you will remember to be kind, compassionate, and encouraging. You communicate from your own grounded experience, sharing your hopes and dreams. And then you let go…a little. bit. at. a. time.

To learn more about anxiety in relationships…continue reading.