All of us confront anger from time to time and most of us experience some resistance or aversion to anger, but anger can add much value to our life when we know how to use it to our benefit.
Whether our anger stems from boundary violations, overriding a limit we weren’t aware of, social injustice, or triggers from our past, getting close to what is behind the anger is key.
Secondary to self-soothing, or co-regulation–if you have that privilege, welcoming the exploration of unmet needs or desires is paramount. Mindful utilization of anger keeps us in the problem solving/orienting driver’s seat versus becoming passenger by allowing drama take the wheel.
Blame, secondary to anger is a good indicator of drama taking the wheel. To get back into the driver’s seat, start by self-soothing the anger: amping self-caring self-talk, dropping compulsive immediacy (the need to solve everything: “Right away, right Now, two seconds later is too late”–YIKES!). If you went to blame, once you are calm enough, then you will be able to identify direct communication needed to obtain the outcome you prefer.
Ask yourself, what would I like to have happened here? How might this happen? What is needed in order for the desired outcome to be realized? How might we change some of the contributing circumstances or influences? What is my responsibility here and going further? What responsibility would I like to have? What is everyone’s role in vision achievement? How may I ask for support from others? Now you have some solid seeds for the communication exchange to follow.
Next, communicate. Explain how you would like things to go. Use direct communication by outlining your vision. If indicated, explain what it would mean to you to have the outcome you so desire. Identify how you can see yourself supporting your vision. Ask for support of others by sharing how you see their role in having your dream come true. Ask if they would be able to offer you the support that might be required. Ask if they see any problems or challenges in being able to provide that support (anticipating problems is a wonderful way to collaboratively invest in the desired outcome). Address these challenges together with flexibility and in an amicable fashion. Work together.
If your partners in the desired outcome are unwilling to provide the support as you see it, then ask them how ideally, they would go about achieving your desired outcome. Chances are good that what they share may be accepted wholly or in part. Again, be willing to be flexible and collaborative.
Commit to growth mindset about the realization of your vision. Perhaps a retooling may be called for as you and your partner review your progress (notice progress was the word and attitude needed for further revisions) in future efforts. Sometimes humor is also exceedingly helpful. Think big picture, how will you feel if you maintain goodwill and determination versus fall apart at a single or even repeated failed outcomes. As long as there is creative effort, you are making progress.
Lastly, celebrate your and your partner/s contribution and efforts! This positively reinforces problem-solving communication and collaborative attitudes. And isn’t that what we want in life?: to be accompanied by willing and eager folks who are on our team? That is a big win. A big win, achieved by harnessing the positive energetic force of anger. And prohibiting problem-solving being hijacked by blame. Job well done!
