You are going about your normal day. Perhaps all is good in your head and heart. You seek out your partner (or kid, co-worker, friend, neighbor, boss) to communicate. You notice a twinge of irritation in their response; they are not taking it the right way. “What’s this?” you think. You attempt a rebid. Fail!
Uh-oh! Before you yourself slide into Defensiveness, recall that Defensive responses are one of the 4 Horsemen (Gottman). And in growing defensive, or expressing defensiveness, you are liable to trigger the cascade or decent of your innocent communication into a death spiral, perhaps ending in contempt or stonewalling. Don’t do it! Pull out! Pull up! Mayday, Mayday!
What do you do then?
Hit reset! Studies show that the outcome of the communication corresponds to the trajectory of the first 3 minutes of dialogue. Course corrections in these pivotal moments are key.
Reset is a simple (not so simple if you are prone to compulsive reactivity–but all the more warranted) and extremely effective technique. It involves interrupting the communique to put your partner at ease before renewing any effort toward delivery of your message.
Here’s an example:
P1: “oh, hey. I think I’m coming off in the wrong way. Mind if we hit the reset button?”
P2: “huh? okay i guess.”
P1 should now state the desired outcome of their bid for connection.
P1 (several examples):
Example 1: “I’m hoping you might join my enthusiasm about …”
Example 2: “I am wishing you might be okay exploring my thoughts about this with me; I need to work it through, mind listening and helping me reach a better understanding here?”
Example 3: “I’m so upset about this right now and it’s not you, and I need to hear you understand and accept my pain in my experience here. Is this a good time?”
Example 4: “I need a laugh or encouragement here, are you in the mood?”
Example 5: “you seem preoccupied/are you ok, do you have a moment?”
Example 6: “can you take a moment for me or should i come back later?”
By clearly stating your end goal, you may have better luck in reaching it. Some tips to keep in mind include:
- Accept that everyone arrives at an interaction from the context of their own recent experience. You or your communication may or may not be a part of that. Everyone is entitled to be where they are. Reminding yourself of this essential truth may help when your hope for the communication is disappointed.
- Maybe it wasn’t your turn to go first. Maybe you came in too hot. Maybe your partner needed some interest before launching into your own. Maybe they were wrapped up in something else at the moment. Great partners try to prioritize availability, but 100% is a ridiculous expectation. Even the happiest honeymooners turn toward their partner’s bids an average of 85% of the time. Satisfied couples will want to keep in mind the 5:1 positive interaction ratio. Practice makes progress.
- Start with Assumption of Similarity to reinvigorate your energy in bidding with your partner. Self-reflect that you have also been on the poor response end of a communication attempt (for whatever reason, you didn’t meet your partner’s hoped-for-response (bid)–it’s okay, we can access forgiveness and understanding, right?). Forgive, and move-on, by acknowledging that we can’t always be receptive and gracious all the time.
- Recall HALTS {hungry, angry, lonely, tired, stressed. If either of you is in one of these states, it is much harder for effective communication. Resolving these states first puts you both in a better place to engage.
Hitting the reset button and communicating your intention and request in a direct and non-threatening language while also considering and making room for your partner’s context is the equivalent of a mega-repair. You are giving your bid the best chance to be received and responded to as requested. Well done!
While you can’t guarantee the results, accepting with compassion and understanding is the goal. This applies to your disappointed feelings in addition to your compassion and forgiveness when a partner turns away or against your bid for communication. Of course, forgiveness is aided by repair. And clearing the deck of miscommunication and failed bids is another post in its own right. To be continued…
