Communication skills - Couples Therapy Better Treasures

All of us confront anger from time to time and most of us experience some resistance or aversion to anger, but anger can add much value to our life when we know how to use it to our benefit.

Whether our anger stems from boundary violations, overriding a limit we weren’t aware of, social injustice, or triggers from our past, getting close to what is behind the anger is key.

Secondary to self-soothing, or co-regulation–if you have that privilege, welcoming the exploration of unmet needs or desires is paramount. Mindful utilization of anger keeps us in the problem solving/orienting driver’s seat versus becoming passenger by allowing drama take the wheel.

Blame, secondary to anger is a good indicator of drama taking the wheel. To get back into the driver’s seat, start by self-soothing the anger: amping self-caring self-talk, dropping compulsive immediacy (the need to solve everything: “Right away, right Now, two seconds later is too late”–YIKES!). If you went to blame, once you are calm enough, then you will be able to identify direct communication needed to obtain the outcome you prefer.

Ask yourself, what would I like to have happened here? How might this happen? What is needed in order for the desired outcome to be realized? How might we change some of the contributing circumstances or influences? What is my responsibility here and going further? What responsibility would I like to have? What is everyone’s role in vision achievement? How may I ask for support from others? Now you have some solid seeds for the communication exchange to follow.

Next, communicate. Explain how you would like things to go. Use direct communication by outlining your vision. If indicated, explain what it would mean to you to have the outcome you so desire. Identify how you can see yourself supporting your vision. Ask for support of others by sharing how you see their role in having your dream come true. Ask if they would be able to offer you the support that might be required. Ask if they see any problems or challenges in being able to provide that support (anticipating problems is a wonderful way to collaboratively invest in the desired outcome). Address these challenges together with flexibility and in an amicable fashion. Work together.

If your partners in the desired outcome are unwilling to provide the support as you see it, then ask them how ideally, they would go about achieving your desired outcome. Chances are good that what they share may be accepted wholly or in part. Again, be willing to be flexible and collaborative.

Commit to growth mindset about the realization of your vision. Perhaps a retooling may be called for as you and your partner review your progress (notice progress was the word and attitude needed for further revisions) in future efforts. Sometimes humor is also exceedingly helpful. Think big picture, how will you feel if you maintain goodwill and determination versus fall apart at a single or even repeated failed outcomes. As long as there is creative effort, you are making progress.

Lastly, celebrate your and your partner/s contribution and efforts! This positively reinforces problem-solving communication and collaborative attitudes. And isn’t that what we want in life?: to be accompanied by willing and eager folks who are on our team? That is a big win. A big win, achieved by harnessing the positive energetic force of anger. And prohibiting problem-solving being hijacked by blame. Job well done!

Conscious Communication require openness, flexibility, and empathy as well as mindfulness. Exploring our own experiences, we can review contacts with others that were richly imbued with meaningfulness–someone took time to consider and accept us (warts and all). Setting an expectation for an interaction with little effort into planning is akin to gambling. And, failing to remain open, or receptive and empathic during an interaction often results in disappointment for all parties. I often encourage my clients to work backwards from their idealized ending. What’s your desired outcome? Then considering everything you know about your audience, customize your approach.

Conscious Communication require openness, flexibility, and empathy. Exploring our own experiences, we can review contacts with others that have been richly meaningful—a treasured interaction in which someone took time to consider and accept us. Setting an expectation for an interaction with little effort into planning is akin to gambling. And, failing to remain open, or receptive and empathic during an interaction often results in disappointment for all parties. I often encourage my clients to work backwards from their idealized ending. What’s your desired outcome? Then considering everything you know about your audience, customize your approach.

Once you have tailored your message, it’s time to work on delivery:

In Step 1 we consider our audience and the place and timing of our communication. Set up the contact for success.

Tracking and coaching our brain to pace & go slow is Step 2. Try fully cycling a breath before switching from Speaker to Listener. Eliminate broadcasting by keep messaging tight (again, it helps to have the end-goal in sight).

Step 3 involves stating the intention for our communication. Of course positive versus critical communication is the best approach. Using the Gottman approach and non-violent communication (NVC) requires framing your intention in terms of stating your own positive need. For instance, do you desire consideration of your shared idea, collaboration, resolution, or reconciliation. Making intentions clear at the beginning helps your listener to categorize your communication/contact expectations (particularly helpful when communicating with those with an insecure attachment style–helps to decrease listener anxiety).

Step 4 demands our ability to prioritize the experience of our listener/s. Reminding ourselves to maintain an accepting and receptive attitude to our audience’s response allows us to maintain our access to both creativity in our communication and our original intention. Rehearse a mantra-like receptivity strategy for success. Use compassion as a compass for how to proceed next and be open (flexible) to pivoting.

Do you need to come back to the topic?
Unwittingly stepped into a solvable or (argh!) Perpetual Problem?
Misjudged the timing or your approach to the contact? It happens (John Gottman says it happens at least 60% of the time).

Prioritize your audience by maintaining your compassion and connection. It often helps to use assumption of similarity: imagine yourself in a situation where the roles were reversed. We’ve all been there, right? Make sure your conversation goes slowly enough to allow you to reflect on your own not-so-eloquent moments and give credit or allowance to any reaction on the part of your partner/s. If doing so, gives you pain, easily adopt this master relational skill via my post on Assumption of Similarity.

Step 5: Summarize. Almost all effective forms of therapy require review of the process resulting in optimized personal outcome. In creating positive interactions or contacts with others, this is the conscious and intentional way to transition out of the contact. With my clients, it is paramount to practice this skill until it becomes automatic. There is a really cool secret trick though. Just ask the golden question: “Do I have it right: (followed by a compassionate retelling of the exchange)? What am I missing?” Then wait for your audience to confirm or add content. And then, after reaffirming any last minute updates, Voila!: An effective, conscious, considerate contact!

Congratulations.

Tag: Communication skills

Sources of Anger Series: Blame following Anger

Clear & Considerate Communication