Tag: Conscious Communication

Conscious Communication require openness, flexibility, and empathy.  Exploring our own experiences, we can review contacts with others that have been richly meaningful—a treasured interaction in which someone took time to consider and accept us. Setting an expectation for an interaction with little effort into planning is akin to gambling.  And, failing to remain open, or receptive and empathic during an interaction often results in disappointment for all parties. I often encourage my clients to work backwards from their idealized ending.  What’s your desired outcome? Then considering everything you know about your audience, customize your approach.  

Once you have tailored your message, it’s time to work on delivery: 

In Step 1 we consider our audience and the place and timing of our communication.  Set up the contact for success.

Tracking and coaching our brain to pace & go slow is Step 2. Try fully cycling a breath before switching from Speaker to Listener.  Eliminate broadcasting by keep messaging tight (again, it helps to have the end-goal in sight).

Step 3 involves stating the intention for our communication. Of course positive versus critical communication is the best approach.  Using the Gottman approach and non-violent communication (NVC) requires framing your intention in terms of stating your own positive need.  For instance, do you desire consideration of your shared idea, collaboration, resolution, or reconciliation. Making intentions clear at the beginning helps your listener to categorize your communication/contact expectations (particularly helpful when communicating with those with an insecure attachment style–helps to decrease listener anxiety).

Step 4 demands our ability to prioritize the experience of our listener/s.  Reminding ourselves to maintain an accepting and receptive attitude to our audience’s response  allows us to maintain our access to both creativity in our communication and our original intention.  Rehearse a mantra-like receptivity strategy for success. Use compassion as a compass for how to proceed next and be open (flexible) to pivoting. 

• Do you need to come back to the topic? 
• Unwittingly stepped into a solvable or (argh!) Perpetual Problem?
• Misjudged the timing or your approach to the contact?  It happens (John Gottman says it happens at least 60% of the time).

Prioritize your audience by maintaining your compassion and connection.  It often helps to use assumption of similarity: imagine yourself in a situation where the roles were reversed.  We’ve all been there, right?  Make sure your conversation goes slowly enough to allow you to reflect on your own not-so-eloquent moments and give credit or allowance to any reaction on the part of your partner/s.  If doing so, gives you pain, easily adopt this master relational skill via my post on Assumption of Similarity. 

Step 5: Summarize.  Almost all effective forms of therapy require review of the process resulting in optimized personal outcome.  In creating positive interactions or contacts with others, this is the conscious and intentional way to transition out of the contact. With my clients, it is paramount to practice this skill until it becomes automatic.  There is a really cool secret trick though.  Just ask the golden question: “Do I have it right: (followed by a compassionate retelling of the exchange)? What am I missing?” Then wait for your audience to confirm or add content.  And then, after reaffirming any last minute updates, Voila!: An effective, conscious, considerate contact! 

Congratulations.​