This comes to you from working with a couple who have put romantic affection for one another on the back-burner. …for so long, it has been forgotten. And it is hard to reboot. To do so, fantasy helps. I encouraged them to reconnect to an earlier-less -cynical version of themselves. It doesn’t really matter if you go back to when you were 8 or 9 years old, the point is to reconnect to creativity, openness, your aliveness, and dreaming. Here is their homework assignment:
Your homework for the week is to dream about an ideal date night arrangement. You will want to think about what would really appeal to you about a plan together; what is the ideal plan for you?
How would you get started? How would it end?
Also thinking deeply about what is in the plan that is essential for making it a thing you would look forward to doing together. We will talk more about this in the coming weeks. This is a skill that takes time to develop. It requires introspection and self-awareness along with positive use of anticipation and fantasy. It might seem easy, but it really isn’t for many of us and for many reasons.
Next you can think about what are all the different ways in which you might achieve the essence of what brought joy about being in connection with your partner. In other words, aren’t there multiple ways in which you could bring those special moments to life? What are they?
Questions to help the process.
What about this fantasy matters to me? What would moving through this fantasy provide for me; how would I be receiving support from my partner–in what way? What are the elements of the fantasy that feel most achievable, which ones seem difficult to acknowledge? Is my initial reaction to reject what comes up for me? Won’t this get easier if I continue to put forth effort into it? What other feelings arise that protect me from possible disappointment? How do I Turn Towards what comes up for me? How do I shut myself down? What am I telling myself when I am shutting myself down? Is that helping me to grow? What might I need in order to feel more comfortable sharing and developing my fantasies? From myself? From my partner? What would help?
Remember to use Assumption of Similarity if in doing this exercise, you notice critical feelings arise about your partner. You might try writing them down. Usually there is a fear here, …AND one or several vulnerable requests, wishes, desires–these are the keys to healing, becoming okay to realize your unmet or unfulfilled desires and then taking courage to explore how you might allow yourself to acknowledge these wishes, dreams, needs, as well as how you might invite them to be known to and requested of your loving partner. There is a skill in introducing our needs, wishes, dreams to our partner. I can help you with that.
Looking forward to our next session.
Hope this helps!