Commitment behaviors:
In line with the Gottman Method principle of “Small Things Often” commitment behaviors offer ways in which partners make deposits into the emotional bank account. They are also formalized rituals (shared meaning) created by partners during negotiation and reinforced in performing them time and time again with compounding valuation by partners.
A commitment behavior can be anything, from hanging up a towel, to making “eyes” at your partner from across the socially crowded room. They can be a bouquet of flowers on Friday or Monday. A phone-call to one’s partner after interacting with that particularly attractive co-worker. An agreement to disclose attractions to others along with the manner of so doing. A back-rub on Tuesday. Special dinners one counts on to celebrate a specific occasion.
The point is that they are formulated mutually, agreed upon mutually, and can be replicated regularly. They are the How we get from A to Z with regard to this or that or the other.
Pain, anger, disappointment, even joy may be the catalyzing agent to develop a commitment behavior, perhaps even a whole slew of them.
Walking you through, there is impetus for the creation of an agreed upon behavior. It comes along from the recognition or realization that life does not need to have this particular re-occurring suffering in it. What if we transformed our actions around this particular event/irritating transgression? What if we “cut a deal?”
Could we negotiate for something that would work for both of us and in so doing will engender appreciation for our partner/spouse? Careful self-aware mindfulness will prevent and work around any restrictiveness of such a deal and in fact, a good deal is good for everyone, not a 0 sum game! How can it work for everyone? This is where creativity, trust, and reliability count. Can we count on our partner’s positive attitude for the iterative nature of creating such a positively meaningful behavior?
Yes, if both partners arrive to the negotiation table fully resourced, and resolved, of sabotaging resentments. If so, then partners will want one another’s happiness; they will be motivated to remove obstacles or add a proverbial vault to our partner’s quality of life satisfaction.
No, if there are an accumulation of unforgiven injuries rolling around in the sub-flooring of our consciousness.
One can begin to find areas for commitment behaviors by moving through one’s day from waking up to going to bed. Look for parts of your day that you might dread and identify what it is about it that irritates. The same steps apply for annual, monthly, or weekly tasks, events, or celebrations. Imagine how you might ideally like something to go. That is where you begin. Create, create, create, and simplify to boil it down to what is essential here for you that might be influenced by your partner’s committed behavior.
Now you may be ready to recruit your partner’s participation in said ideal.
Now you will be ready for negotiation. You can learn more about negotiation here.
As consent-based negotiations require skill sets, working with a Couple’s therapist who specializes in NVL or Gottman Method Couples Therapy may be a valuable asset to hold until you’ve both honed the practices. After negotiations, accountability measures may be put in place. These are also consent-based negotiations.
Consent-based negotiations in short—allow us to cleanly ask our partner for their participation in what would bring us joy/relief/predictability/reassurance/surprise/etc. (i.e., any number of experiences we have self-identified). They are asks, without cajoling, manipulation, pressure, coercion, or intimidation.
What you walk away with may be iterative, but each effort along the way says, “I love you and am here for you in this life.” It says we are committed to one another’s positive experience of this life, that we participate and share in their joy and lived experience. Over and over again, it demonstrates: WE are Partners!
