Rituals build Your Family Culture. As such, they can be passed down offering a beneficial inheritance for the next generation, passing on your hard-won relational wealth!
All couples want to build a relationship that others take note of for its robust strength even during times of stress and pressure. Couples who have those relationships, don’t just luck out, they have been trail-building! What I mean is that they have numerous expedited paths to intimate connection. They can reach that space where they feel known and loved by their partner much faster than many other couples.
They reach that feeling of being Connected more quickly,…and they have more pathways to reaching that sense of “togetherness.” Why? What do they have?…RITUALS!
Your relationship might be just as good as theirs, but they have rituals of connection that serve to (just like the real physiological lift you get just from anticipating your first sip of morning brew) get them faster from (normal states of being) disconnected to happily, maybe blissfully connected. They are driving the fast car, while without rituals (Gottman’s Shared Meaning), your relationship may be driving the beater-car (nothing against the beater—it can still cross the finish line).
So what is a “Ritual” and how do we get them/implement them?
Great question/s!
Rituals can be established at many points of time across your day/night/week/weekend/month/year/etc.
They are just like your daily/routine rituals. They have a beginning, middle, and end, and you know what you get as a result. For example, brushing your teeth you might start by pulling out your toothbrush, and you end with running your tongue across your sparkling clean teeth, and internally smiling as you note your crisp breath. For a couple, a saying hello ritual will need to be replicated (hopefully) a bazillion times, so some tips are: keep it simple, make sure you like doing it, and appreciate the feeling you get when doing it and when it is complete.
Many couples create hello and goodbye rituals, daily check-ins. Weekly, there is the platinum standard date night. But there is nothing shabby about the weekly summit meeting my couples integrate into their busy schedules; it includes a celebration of what you made it through, an anticipation of what is coming up for you in the week ahead, and an accounting of what you might be needing to get through it on top. Finally, it ends with an appreciation for and acknowledgement of the ways your partner was supportive to you in the past: what works and more of that please!
There are so so so many opportunities to build couples rituals: I have lists of them I can send you if you reach out and let me know you are interested in receiving them.
To go about building your own (Shared Meaning) Rituals of Connection. You can read a book by William Doherty: The Intentional Family. Or you could ask a Couples Therapist who uses the Gottman Method in working with their couples, or you could take a stab at it by brainstorming, trying out various iterations and making adjustments until you find the right fit for your ritual in your coupledom.
Keep in mind, a successfully sound ritual is predictable. It has the following elements: (The Intentional Family–William Doherty)
- How/When/Where might it start (How do you know that it has begun: What signifies that it is starting)?
- What happens (who goes first, second, last)
- How/When/Where might it end (How would you both know it was done/over–What signifies that it is over?)?
- The development of the ritual requires equal contribution/participation. No one person creates it. Of course during development stage, one person can take the lead, but you should both be revising it as you go along so that it meets both of your needs/expectations.
- When you don’t perform the ritual–its absence is noted and lamented. Signals a good strong ritual!
We wish you the very best in creating and crafting Rituals that build Shared Meaning in your life as a couple. Or in your family if you are Single-Householding. Whatever the size and shape of your family, Rituals offer invaluable capital for building a richly rewarding journey. They are ways that you are There-For-One-Another! They are eagerly anticipated highlights; they are the dessert after the meal. They are the memories made and longed for; they are your treasure. Enjoy them!!
