Hello you two,
Attached is the Dreams Within Tool we discussed in session. Homework is to pre-process (so working up your answers alone) the 9 questions in the Dreams Within tool. This will help you to prepare for a better discussion with your partner in our next session. Key is to explore and define your ideal dream, not denigrating or reducing your Needs, Wishes, Dreams (NWD) in any way! In fact, do the opposite: Go big or go home. The closer to your truth is your pitch, the more detail integrated, the more meaning…all these are essential for building common bridges between two Undoubtedly different positions.
…My couple faced the super-familiar conflict of reconciling differences between appetites for shared time together and solo-discretionary time. This includes the resources allocated for personal discretion and resources for funding time together. They needed to identify whether their differences could be managed. And they were looking at the decision to decide whether to stay together and eventually family-build, or to terminate their relationship. High-stakes conversations.
While we can’t absolutely predict how we will feel in the future, we can look to the past and examine our appetites and metabolism for time apart and time together.
We can identify our current workflows for sourcing, funding, and replenishing resources needed to enjoy Shared and Solo Time. We also probably can come up with an estimation of our flexibility as to resources to devote to Shared vs. Solo Time. Similarly, we can probably identify a level of commitment to resource distribution in the service of Shared vs. Solo Time that would leave us feeling resentful and over-committed.
And yet… We are also greatly capable of adjusting to limits, and stepping up to the plate and playing ball when requested.
Sometimes it is helpful to connect to our history of flexibility. For instance, what limitations have we faced before, and…
What helped us to accept limits, domains of our control or influence, while preserving our own sense of dignity, integrity, and autonomy or freedom? For many of us, acceptance requires meaning-making, redefining, and symbolism.
We face limits every day (taxes, speed limits, etiquette). More often than not we buy-in to the greater good even when doing so conflicts against desire, instinct, or impulse. How can we apply greater-good-thinking in strategic allocation of our interpersonal portfolio? We need to be communicating our visions And limits in rebalancing personal assets. Think energy, attitude, resources invested in service of healthy relationships (relational goals).
Identifying differences is a first step in an empowered journey toward greater granularity in knowing and in developing ‘self-in-context’ (who we are and want to be across different situations and scenarios).
For instance, if one partner has identified they would expect family dinner 6 nights a week (saving 1 night for date night ;o), and the other desires 1 Sunday family meal, that’s a big difference, with loads of room to identify better (temporary) compromises.
Our next step is to increase cognitive flexibility. Ask yourself, ‘if I went up/down to 3-4 dinners per week and 1 breakfast, what might I need to make that work?’
What is within my power to shift and shape to (temporarily) enjoy and even deeply appreciate the current shared agreement.
Further, as I envision my (and their) roles and responsibilities in the agreement, what are some ways I might iterate proposed agreements to improve my own experience?
What might a Venn Diagram elucidate in terms of common ground (how are shared meals most enjoyable/desireable)?
Can you identify changes to Situation, Roles, Responsibilities might be fully up to me to alter?
Are there any, adaptations/accommodations to R&R or situation/environment you might invite my partner to accept, assist, assume, or adopt in the service of qualitatively improving shared agreements?
These questions posed here and the big 9 Questions in the Gottman Method’s Dreams Within tool will offer my clients the greatest chance to unlock their gridlock.
They will likely find areas where they are not SO far apart that they cannot build temporary or more permanent bridges.
They will have the best chance if they can remember to validate differences in perspectives, if they can maintain regulation by substituting 4 Horsemen for their Antidotes when triggered, and if they can signal COAL when in the Listening role to reach Shared Understanding . And if they remember that Prioritization of Shared Mutual Understanding is the Prerequisite for Negotiating. It’s much to ask, but with support, I’ve seen most couples succeed. And I am rooting for them!
After inevitably recognizing enduring differences, every couple sooner-or later faces the task to revisit difficult agreements. They must signal safety in Turning Toward and in compassionately holding ongoing suffering together. They must acknowledge, recognize, and accept that differences are likely to persist even after creating temporary compromises (resource allocation/distribution strategies). And they must find their way to signaling a welcoming of the Rebalance conversation.
I hope you, in addition to my couple, find that these are great questions to loosen up and identify opportunities for dynamic change across time. Positions of our own sufficient control and other positions possibly recommending experimentation. Happy Rebalancing!
If you are ready for upgrading your conflict management practices, book a free consultation and your Relationship Assessment.
Access Dr. Mason’s Calendar https://bettertreasures.clientsecure.me/ to book today!
