Do you see me?
Do you care that I’m here?
Am I enough for you, or do you need me to be better in some way?
Can I tell that I’m special to you by the way that you look at me?
Photo by: Toa Heftiba
Post inspired by Maya Angelou
In every interaction with others of us, each of us arrive at the moment with the same unconscious questions. We answer each of these questions during the engagement.
Question 1: Do you see me?
We provide this answer in how we engage with the other:
Do we look at them when speaking to them, have we foreclosed on how we will respond to anything they have to say before they even say it?
In other words, have we predestined how they will respond to us and are therefore engaging with an object versus an emergent, iterative, changeable, subject?
Question 2: Do you care that I’m here?
We answer this with our greeting of the person before us. How do we begin our verbal and non-verbal hello? Or do we skip this step as we are interacting with a home appliance or app? Further, do we personalize our greeting in some way, calling up a moment shared in our last interaction which fosters a sense of continuity, an indicator that there is an actual ongoing relationship with this person even in the interim of our engagements. It says to them, “I know who you are, what you and I are about, that we have a history and that I care enough to remember it.”
Question 3: Am I enough for you, or do you need me to be better in some way?
This is an interesting question that we answer with our PRESENCE…
For instance, if the interaction’s purpose (read more about that here), calls for us to be giving someone feedback, requesting something of our partner (friend/child/co-worker/etc.), are we focused on the behavior we want to see in action or are we focusing on the behavior we don’t want to see (i.e., are we criticizing–coming through the back door of communication by not explaining what we want and instead forcing our partner to figure that out,…or even worse are we contemptuously relaying some message that if they were a decent person, they would somehow already know what to do without our explicit, illumination of our request)?
Succinctly, relaying warmth, direction, compassion and confidence about the other person (even when asking them to do something differently) is answering the third question with affirmation: I do not need YOU to be better, even when I am requesting something different of you.
Question 4: Can I tell that I’m special to you by the way that you look at me?
How is our body language, what does our affect (facial expression) say to them in the moments that we are engaging with them? Are we inviting? Dismissive? Enthusiastic? Compassionate? Rejecting? Kind? Eager? Engaging? Shut-down?
When we engage others, intentionally answering each of these questions (even 2 would be AMAZING!), we bring the full weight of our powerful presence to another. Our presence expressed in this way sets up the interaction for the best possible outcome and we free the communication from expectations. In that moment we relate to an aliveness in ourselves and in the other with whom we communicate/relate. All possibility, potentiality is tapped.
For more questions about Presence, or how to move into the presence by breaking the circuits of automatic behaviors, reach out to us; we are here to help!
Warmly,
Amanda Mason Psy.D. CAPSY26711